ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» º º º ÛÛÛ º º Û ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ º º Û ÛÛ Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û º º Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛ THE DRUID º º Û ÛÛ Û ÛÛ Û Û Û Û Û º º ÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ Û º º º ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ (have computer make trumpety sounds and all that stuff) DROOP THE DRUID'S GUIDE TOO VISITING IRELAND ( in 9 easy lessons) Copyright 1994 Cainteanna na Luise This material may be distributed free provided all copies contain acreditation to either "Droop the Druid" or "Cainteanna na Luise" ---------------------------- People like visiting Ireland and since I myself spend a lot of time there I am often asked how is the best way too visit Ireland. So, here it is: things you should know about visiting Ieland. Note (x3) This is NOT NOT NOT a guide to doing druidy things in Ireland, just on going there. 1) You should avoid the Irish Touristy Bored (also called "The Faulty Bored" because in Irish it's name is "Bord F ilte"). It will only show you how to get to touristy places. They will charge you money for findoing BnBs that you can phone for yourself for free. They will try to sell you plastic lepercans (go be sick some place else) and puky stuff like that. 2) All the official ancient places have signs that say "F¢gra" (this means "You better pay attention or else!" in Irish) that say you are supposed to use proper edicut at these places, like not leave your candy-wrappers all over the place, or dig holes looking for what is called "Treasured Trove" (if you find any it belongs to ME (the Irish National Ancient Places People say THEY get it because Treasured Trove was buried to be reclaimed and they will hold it until the owner shows up. Stupid creeps! They think they are crafty and the owner is dead and won't show up so they will get to keep it but I am lots older than they are (Respect Your Elders! I always say three times) and I lost it, it's mine1). You also should not (there are, of course, three f¢gra¡ what not to do) take any of the big stones home with you (in some places - ASK first!!! - if it is a wee little tiny stone on the ground, sometimes you can take THAT one home but ONLY IF YOU LEAVE ANOTHER STONE TO REPLACE IT WITH! Do what these signs tell you! Do it three times! Droop the Druid's Guide Too Visiting Ireland p.2 3) Never ask what time it is. only touisty people (see number seven below) ask this question. You will quickly notice that, say there is a clock-tower, that all the different faces of the clocks on the diffeent sides of the tower show different times. The clock is not broken (stupid!). IT IS A DRUIDY CLOCK!!! Time is one of the things we have not let the catlicks get hold of, and even now time in Ireland is very druidy. All the different clocks show the correct time. You can have whichever you want. (This is important when using buses and stuff because the little book will say it leaves at, say, ten o'clock, and it WILL WILL WILL leave at ten o'clock but it will be the driver's ten o'clock and not anyone else's.) 4) If you need to do something like that, the rooms where you do it are often not marked "Men" and "Women", they are marked "Fir" and "Mn " (this is how the government forces everyone to learn at least two (tho it should have been three, but you can't trust the government to do anything right) words of Irish. "Mn " is NOT NOT NOT a misspelling for "Men". It is the other way around. (SEE, YOU have to learn at least two words of Irish too, but YOU do it right and learn some third word too.) 5) Everyone will tell you this in Ireland but if you haven't been there, I myself will tell you first: "If you don't like the weather, just wait ten minutes". This is true (x3) but go back and read number three, their "ten minmutes" and your "ten minmutes" may not be the SAME ten minmutes at all. 6) There are these disqusting slanderous little things made out of stones with a mop-hair-cut and no tasteful beard (like mine) which the touristy-shop people try to sell called "droops". They were invented by some demented anti-druid TWO YEARS AFTER I began writing for Cainteanna na Luise. I do NOT NOT NOT look like them!!! You should NOT NOT NOT buy any!!! They are a cruel joke by the folks some other folks call the "gods" but who are really just a bunch of fairies (both kinds) with a sick sense of humour. 7) you should be aware that Irish people themselves classify people who come to Ireland in different ways. There are: a) terrible tourty people; they are most people who come and the Irish people like their money but they hate the people. The Irish people will be very polite to get the money and then say terrible things behind their backs (that is, the backs of the touristy people). Try not to be one of these. b) "visitors" - these are people who come and don't visit touristy places, who learn a little (a lot is three times better) Irish, and don't rush around (never never never take a camera!) wanting to "see interesting things" (the Irish people think EVERYTHING in Ieland is interesting, so asking gives you away). If you try, you can be one of these. c) "new Irish people", "just like people", and "welcome home people", which are just three kinds of the same kind of people. If you have to ask how, then you probably can't be one. Droop the Druid's Guide Too Visiting Ireland p.3 (!!!) 8) You should realize that there are REAL and fake pubs. The fake pubs have signs saying they have "Traditional Irish Music" and you go and can hear (or even sing along with somebody else saing) things like "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" (which is NOT NOT NOT REAL Irish traditional music!!!). The REAL pubs don't have signs. You will know it is a REAL pub (go back and read number seven - yes, I am knoting all the items here - this only will happen if you are not a touisty person) when at - anybody's - closing time, the bar-keep locks the door with you inside and says "Well, we're closed. What will you have?" The fake pubs never do this. 9) Do NOT NOT NOT - this is maybe the most important - say you "understand" or you "know" anything! Not the politics, not the culture, not anything. We Irish people have an important saying. We say "If you think you know what is going on here, then you don't understand the situation at all!" ***************************************